I believe in hell. Look around us! Hell is the environment that contains the consequences of our bad decisions. Sometimes the burn comes from the fire someone else sets in our path and sometimes we scorch ourselves, but either or, hell hurts. It doesn't just hurt us but everyone close to us.
Divorce didn't just hurt Jason and I, it hurt our kids. We hurt our kids. We did that. Pretending that we didn't totally shit the bed won't get us out of our painful mess and in fact the first step toward healing is acknowledging the pain we created and taking responsibility for it. We could sit in the middle of our beds pointing our fingers of blame at everyone else but at the end of the day we'd still have our own shit stuck to our thighs.
I love this part, though, that we have a choice. Once we acknowledge the hellish mess we are sitting in, we have two choices: to stay or to leave.
Some people stay there, feeling depressed and worthless, punishing themselves in dramatic self-deprecation. If I did that, then my kids would be robbed of a healthy, loving mother. I could stay stuck in my grief and dread my hair and eat sand and chew on my foot callouses. Another way to stay stuck would be to point my fingers and blame everyone else for my current condition. I could take on the whole world with my righteous anger, declaring war on anyone who even thinks about holding me accountable for my mess. I've tried both avenues and I can say that even despite moments of triumph and satisfaction, the peace didn't last and each time, I faced a dead end.
Grace isn't just a term used to rationalize bad behaviour; grace is a gift that is lived through the consequences of bad behaviour. What I mean is, grace isn't our ticket out of hell but our fountain of cool water in the midst of it.
Divorce hurts kids, there is no doubt about that, but that doesn't have to be the final chapter. I refuse to chain my children to my side while I sit in my shit, while I stand in my hellfire. I'll accept the fountain of cool water to drink because I want to share it with my babies. I want them to know that there is respite, that redemption and new beginnings exist, and that life doesn't end at our mistakes.
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ReplyDeleteWOW...geez, Suzy.
ReplyDeleteI know a consummate blamer. Everything bad that has happened in her life is the result of something that someone else had done. Her broken marriage was her ex'husband's fault. Her shitty relationship with her kids is her kids' or her ex's fault. Her numerous failed relationships (both friends and lovers) are all somebody else's fault. If she asks for advice and you tell her what she wants to hear and it goes wrong, it is your fault. If you don't tell her what she wants to hear and it still goes wrong, it is still your fault for not being supportive. You can't win with people like that. And people like that can't win. They will always see the negative side of things. They may talk about being grateful but they never truly are because they are never truly happy.
You are right to push that shit far away from yourself. Blaming never solves a problem. All you can do is pick yourself up off of the ground and make today a better day.
And I KNOW you do.
Mistakes can hurt us or they can turn us into better people. Totally up to us what we do with them. You take your mistakes and learn from them and show your kids how things can go wrong so that they can learn from them too (or at least know that making mistakes is human.) Best thing they can learn from you is how to come back strong from the down times. Resiliency is where it's at.
As usual, I like your post.
Peace out, Sooz.