Insert Winky Face

You have to admit that emoticons have changed the cellular world as we know it. The invention of cell phones disrupted our lives in that we became reachable to all sorts of assholery whether we were on the toilet or in a business meeting or trudging through the Grand Canyon. Then came texting, which took self-control to a whole new level of low, giving us the ability to act on our emotions right. that. very. second.

Not only is the The Text more malnourished of self-control than a 14 year-old boy at a grade 9 dance, but texting also gets misinterpreted. I've been told that I sound angry in my texts because I am so direct. I decided to combat the anger with some winky faces ;) to lighten the tone up a bit. But what I've been noticing is that people use the happy face :) and the winky face ;) to passive-aggressively get a point across. Like as if using a ;) after "oh wow, did you really wear that outfit to this function?" nullifies the offensive tone to the statement. It's like when we were kids and we'd follow up a slander with "no offense!" We'd say, "you totally suck at badminton, Jimmy! NO OFFENSE!" But meanwhile, Jimmy is offended as fuck. And then Sam gets a badminton racquet imprinted in the side of his face and he hops around trying to stop the bleeding, pleading with Jimmy, "but I said, 'no offense!!!'"

I'm not sure what the next invention might be and how exactly it will ruin our lives, but we can all collectively breathe a sigh of relief because at the end of the day, we can just call out in a sing-song voice, "no offense!" and insert a winky face ;) and all will be well.