Balance

Have you ever noticed that most people have an internal pendulum that when it gets too far over onto one side and stays there for too long, it ends up swinging back over too far to the other side and staying there for too long?! And then over time the pendulum will settle back into the middle, a bit like when a dog turns around in three circles before settling down into its bed. Except not really.

When I was growing up, my mom was a florist and therefore my world was inundated with pink and lace and flowery things and because I couldn't see past the giant flower arrangements to watch the Canucks or Blue Jays play, my internal pendulum swung way over to the "I hate girly things" side. I never wore pink, I let flowers die on purpose, and I was severely allergic to skirts. I would belch the word "barf" whenever my mom walked by. If my pendulum was on a scale of one-ten with one being vile and ten being glamorous, I'd say I was about a minus five. But then over the years as I matured, became a mom and figured out who Suzy really is, my pendulum settled down nicely in the middle. I'm happy to wear earrings and skirts and pink scarves as much as I'm happy to laugh with my kids about bodily functions and be okay with getting muddy at the park.

In addition to my feminine pendulum, it seems I have a few more. I have a religious pendulum, which I've touched on a bit already. I have a chocolate pendulum which I am still waiting for to settle down into the middle; it's been sitting in the "eat chocolate until it burbles back up" side for almost 35 years now. I also have a love pendulum.

Before I met Andrew I didn't even look up at people in public places let alone engage in a conversation with them let alone want to have anything to do with them outside of the library/coffee shop/grocery store. I was so scared of the idea of romantic love, so traumatized by it all, that all of my walls were up and my pendulum was so far over that it was practically lapping the other side. We talk about our first date and how I pretty much told him every vile thing about myself in hopes that I would repel him. But Andrew is Andrew, and he has this way of seeing through people and all it took was one look into my eyes and down came my walls with a rush. He saw me for me, not for my mistakes. He still sees Suzy no matter how much I sometimes try to hide. I jumped onto that pendulum and rode it right back into the middle where all the good healthy stuff is: balance, peace, and hope.

I guess our internal pendulums exist for that reason: to bring balance. Fear, hurt and anger hold onto that pendulum so we are all off-kilter, but time and healing bring us back to the centre. However, I do know that there are not enough days in my lifetime to ever take back those moments when I would totally gross my poor mother out and for that, the only healing power left to bring me back to the centre is to hug my mom and tell her I love her, and to bring her a big bouquet of pink flowers.