Grace

This is an excerpt from my journal on August 9th, 2010 (during my dreadlocks/raw food phase):

I am in grace and grace is in me. It's not something I need to work for or earn, it's just there like air and water and blood and sweat. Whether or not I acknowledge it doesn't make it exist or not but where my choice lies is if I will actually live it, breathe it, sweat it, taste it and share it. Grace is a gift, something I need to surrender to, like water. If I'm in an ocean I can struggle and fight but I'll sink. If I surrender, I'll float. Surrendering in an ocean is freaky because we have to splay out our arms and legs in this hugely vulnerable position with our head up, necks exposed, where the targets are hard to miss and easily fatal. But surrendering keeps us alive whereas fighting it will sink us, and fast.

I love the grace as water analogy because it's not human nature, necessarily, to be comfortable in water. Walking around on dry land comes naturally to humans. It's no great feat and certainly not very character-building.

I have had several people comment on how robotic or unhappy I seem lately. At first it really bugged me. It shook me up a bit! But then I think I realize that it's okay that I am a bit blah to them right now. It's just a season of my life: growing pains. I planted my spinach, peas and bean seeds and I love watching them grow. It was pretty damn dull at the beginning. I had to mix a pile of cow shit and dirt together, stuff it into a cup, then jam a little brown seed deep into the middle of it and water them every day. It sucked. Nothing happened. But then one day I saw little green shoots come up and the kids and I rushed outside and peered into the little containers and oooohed and ahhhed at them like they were the most exciting things on the planet.

So, sure... I may not exactly be a barrel of laughs right now. I may wear boring hemp skirts a little too often and my hair might look like a rats' nest. But really, is that a window to my soul? Could it be that I'm just a little brown seed trying to fight my way through a pile of manure? And could people give me a little water and sunshine already instead of kicking sand over me? Sometimes I wonder if people need me to be happy for me, or for them.

I love living authentically, it's such a freeing feeling. I certainly don't want to come across as haughty or uncaring but I owe it to myself to be able to look fully into the faces of the people around me without apologizing for my existence.

It's time for me to live that grace out and it's not going to happen if I'm trying to hold myself together all the time. It's time that I let go and let Suzy be Suzy and let God be God. It's such a freeing, peaceful feeling. My sprouts will come, just a little more water.