Day Twenty-Five

I thrive in chaos. I had breakfast with my dad this morning and he described me as having too much on my plate, some by choice and some by chance, but too much nonetheless. It's like I need a challenge of some sort just to keep life exciting.

If I know I'm going to be 20 minutes early for something then I will almost always attempt to squeeze in a little extra errand of some sort on my way there which almost always makes me late. It's a bit like a game to me to see how much I can fit into one day.

My kids are with their dad in California until Monday night so I have been cramming in as much "Suzy time" as possible. I'm having overdue dinners and coffee dates with my friends and family and just spending some quality alone time with myself, writing on my laptop or reading books. It's been blissful, but it also feels so foreign.

Two weeks ago I was strung out from too little sleep and too much work. I was getting up at 3:30 am to work a Starbucks shift until 1pm and then working at the physio job from 2 until 6. Then I'd get the kids and schlep them to soccer practices, guitar lessons, and church groups while making dinner and doing laundry. I was exhausted. I phoned my mom from the side of the road bawling my eyes out about how I was so overwhelmed.

And then there's now, where I'm home from a relaxing trip to Arizona, with so much time to myself that I can barely stand it. I met Lora for a run out in Chilliwack but I was 15 minutes early to her house so I sat in my van and texted Andrew: "I'm bored." I don't think I've been bored since grade eleven when I solved the boredom problem by throwing Jeremy Eccles' binders and pencils out the second story window.

Instead of fighting the silence, I opened myself up to the stillness and let go. I chose to be comfortable in my own body, being "okay" with everything in the world at that precise moment. There was nothing to do but wait, and I didn't want to lose those 15 minutes to the torturous game of "if only." I imagined my body storing up a peace reserve for the upcoming days of juggling school, work, sports, and Christmas shopping. And since I was in the mindset of storing up things in my body, I decided it would be an appropriate time to consume some cranberry bliss bar and a Starbucks coffee. It was just the right thing to do.